How to Have Faith When You Have Scrupulosity OCD

Faith can be challenging for anyone – but imagine trying to decipher how to have faith when you also experience intrusive thoughts and debilitating anxiety concerning your religious and/or moral beliefs. 

Scrupulosity Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a condition characterized by an individual experiencing a cycle of persistent, unwanted thoughts, anxiety and compulsive behaviors surrounding religion or morality. These can manifest as:

• Intense worry about sinning or offending a higher power

• Unwanted thoughts about hell, Satan or religious blasphemy

• Compulsions like excessive prayer, confession or other religious rituals to alleviate anxiety

This constant cycle of anxiety and compulsive behaviors can lead to significant distress, impacting daily life and creating a profound sense of isolation. Furthermore, this cycle is often accompanied by persistent doubt, making having faith even more difficult and confusing.

My experience with Scrupulosity OCD

After my Scrupulosity OCD diagnosis, I recognized this problem: many of the experiences that built my faith were the ones that resulted in calmness, and the experiences that resulted in calmness were the compulsions that temporarily calmed my anxiety. (If you need a refresher on what OCD is and how the OCD cycle works, check this out).

For example, if I was worried that I had sinned, I would repent by praying and confessing (oftentimes doing so many, many times for the same mistake) – and I would experience a reduction in anxiety by doing so. I mistook this reduction in anxiety for “the Spirit” or the Holy Ghost speaking to me and confirming my forgiveness and/or the truthfulness of my beliefs, rather than as a component of a mental illness. 

So how could I be sure what was real and what was not? 

(Spoiler alert: you can’t.)

The Scrupulosity OCD faith crisis

In speaking with others who also live with Scrupulosity OCD, I have come to realize that learning how to interact with God is a large hurdle in healing from the disorder. Because how does God speak to you if not through calmness?

How do you have faith after you realize your entire belief system was built on a cycle of anxiety and compulsions?

What are genuine beliefs and what are OCD-driven doubts?

How do you have faith in the midst of unbearable uncertainty?

OCD inherently fuels doubt in all aspects of life, not only making it difficult to trust one’s own thoughts and feelings but also causing those with Scrupulosity OCD to consistently doubt the very religious beliefs or morals that guide their obsessions and compulsions.

Sounds maddening, doesn’t it?

Between getting trapped in a cycle of intrusive thoughts, anxiety and compulsions and dealing with doubt and fear of uncertainty, Scrupulosity OCD can be very confusing for the sufferer.

Redefining faith for someone with Scrupulosity OCD

It may be maddening, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The truth is, individuals with Scrupulosity OCD can learn to be part of religion and have faith in a way that does not perpetuate their disorder, if they so choose. 

In my healing journey, I have learned to redefine what faith means in order to interact with religion in a healthier way and also ensure that I am living in a way that aligns with my core values – my anchors throughout all of the doubt and uncertainty. 

Here are the three principles that now guide my journey with faith:

1. Faith as a choice

I used to believe that if you were a good enough person, faith transformed into knowledge. That if my faith presented itself as anything less than knowledge, that was simply evidence that I was not doing enough or being enough.

That’s what OCD wanted me to believe, because such a belief system led me to consistently trying to seek out certainty in my enoughness and beliefs. That was one way that I got trapped in the OCD cycle of anxiety and compulsions.

Now, I strive to live in such a way that illustrates my values of wisdom and peace. While I still experience much doubt about whether my religious beliefs are correct or whether I am enough, I frame doubt as just another intrusive thought to be managed instead of as something that spurs relentless examination. 

I have determined that my religion aligns with my values, and so I will stick with that, no matter what doubts come up. I simply had to learn to react to doubt the same way I react to any other intrusive thought – to let go of my emotional attachment to it. 

When I try to implement this concept, my OCD often tells me that if I am choosing to do something even though my mind is telling me otherwise, I am being brainwashed. This is just another component of the doubt cycle – remember, you always have a choice. If you want to move forward with your religious beliefs despite having OCD, then you may. If you don’t, then you may. You must decide what is important to you, what you value, and let that anchor you.

2. Faith as inherent uncertainty

Religion inherently involves uncertainty because it is all built on faith. No matter what certainty someone claims, there is no way to actually be certain. 

OCD struggles with this ambiguity, which is why it is important to learn to prioritize your own values and beliefs over the need for absolute certainty. Once you decide what is important to you, act accordingly, no matter what your OCD has to say about it.

3. Faith as a fluid concept

Contrary to what OCD wants you to believe, fluctuations in faith throughout life, and even within a single day, are normal. These shifts do not demonstrate a diminished character or faith – even if, as someone with OCD, you experience more heightened faith fluctuations.

Find comfort in that no matter what higher power you believe in, you are understood by them. Use that to learn to be comfortable in the grey areas.

Moving forward with Scrupulosity OCD

Living with Scrupulosity OCD requires consistent effort to align your life with your values – just like any other form of OCD. It’s when you recognize that the stakes Scrupulosity OCD gives you are the same stakes that come with not washing your hands correctly or not tapping on the wall enough times, it’s when you get rid of the emotional attachment to the intrusive thoughts Scrupulosity OCD throws your way, that you can heal.

You are the ultimate authority in defining your own faith and values, and the fact that you have scrupulosity shows you care deeply about morality. So follow your heart, even if OCD makes you unsure of what your heart is actually saying.